Open wide, you’ll feel much worse, I mean better, sorree, after this kicks in.
Reporting Scotland mental health nurse, Graham Stewart, administered today’s pro-anxiety dose at 06:27am, using the new Scotanx from Rechem. Scotanx is an exciting new product based on the Sovietanx psychotoxin used by Pravda and tailored to the needs of many of Reporting Scotland’s older viewers.
BBC Scotland Audience Counsel heads for Pacific Quay (c) cartoonsnap
Based on practice by BBC Charge Nurse McRatched, Scotanx has been found to be most effective when delivered in the early morning to reinforce the effects of the stress hormone cortisol.
Today’s dose has been increased in response to four recent sub-polls suggesting a surge in your SNP pressure reading. UK pollsters have been asked to monitor things carefully.
The dose consisted of 10-30ms of:
- The Brexit crisis continues. Contraindications: Patients should not be allowed to read or watch anything by SNP Brexit Minister, Professor Mike Russell.
- Continuing financial problems for Scotland’s police service may inhibit its ability to adopt new technology. Contraindications: Patients should not be allowed to read Dr Robertson’s: Police Scotland more than fifteen times better at clearing up robberies than English forces! or BBC Scotland with Tories INSERTS LIES about ‘systemic problems’ as Police and Fire reform leads to actual and major benefits
- Sepsis kills more than 50 000 people each year in the UK. Contraindications: Patients should not be allowed calculators to work out what the headline would be for Scotland or to read Dr Robertson’s: Scottish Tory finds massive 21% reduction in deaths from Sepsis under SNP
- College lecturers on strike four times already: Contraindications: Patients should not be allowed to read or to watch: ‘EIS members accept improved teachers’ pay offer as strike averted’ by Jamie McIvor BBC Scotland education correspondent at: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-47720300
Some earlier reports from the Scottish Journal of PsychOps on BBC Scotland’s ‘We’re doing well out of the status quo so just vote No’ campaign:
The Power of Early Morning Nightmares and Expectant Mothers: BBC Scotland callously undermines the morale of midwives, their patients, expectant mothers and their relatives, with highly selective and un-contextualised information