One of the last ‘big beasts’ from the Corbyniferous period of antiquity, still found in Britain, the Broonasaurus, has died after a period of oxygen starvation caused by a decision to switch off the supply from BBC Scotland. Allegedly, Reporting Scotland editor, Edward Plantagenet, took the fateful decision after the Broonasaurus was heard, according to him, ‘muttering incoherently but dangerously about some spurious threat of a power grab of EU powers from Edinburgh Zoo and their relocation to the Tory Exhibition Cages at Whipsnade.’
Attenborough was allegedly heard to say:
‘I’ve no time for these aged rambling monsters from the past, myself but all life is sacred, even those smelly humps, and that editor at BBC Scotland, to embrace the local patois, is just a fucking wee prick.’
Attenborough’s sincerity has however been questioned given the alleged discovery in his bin, by a younger Michael Gove, then a presenter on Channel 4’s ‘A Stab in the Dark’ (1992), that Attenborough had been purchasing pre-packed M&S Parma ham and canned wine!
This move, adjusting its dinosaur preservation target from one to zero, brings BBC Scotland News neatly into line with nearly all public services with headquarters in England.
The Broonasaurus had a fatally limited reach and so could not catch little yessers
The death of the Broonasaurus comes only months after the disappearance from our screens of previous favourite of BBC Scotland reporters, the Murphedactyl. This sharp-beaked, flying dinosaur, had been a regular feature of Reporting Scotland broadcasts including the dramatic moment when scurrying little hot-blooded mammals, yessers, had stolen its eggs and thrown them back at the Murphedactyl as he attempted to launch himself from his favourite Iron Bru crates, breaking one of his wings.
The Murphedactyl prepares to bite
Before this decision by Plantagenet, the first since his appointment by royal decree, BBC Scotland news had been a haven for endangered large dinosaurs such as the Murphedactyl, the Broonasaurus and the lordly but fatally small-mouthed Robertsonasaur.
It’s clear that BBC Scotland has tired of the old dinosaurs’ lumbering and ineffectual interventions in the campaign against the formidable big cats of the SNP. This marks the end of the Cretinaceous period for BBC Scotland News as they move to invest in a safe home for a range of small but sneaky rodent-like mammals, from the Jurassicc period, which they hope can at least nip the tails of the SNP’s big cats.