One of the last ‘big beasts’ from the Corbyniferous period of antiquity, still found in Britain, the Broonasaurus, has died after a period of oxygen starvation caused by a decision to switch off the supply from BBC Scotland. Allegedly, Reporting Scotland editor, Edward Plantagenet, took the fateful decision after the Broonasaurus was heard, according to him, ‘muttering incoherently but dangerously about some spurious threat of a power grab of EU powers from Edinburgh Zoo and their relocation to the Tory Exhibition Cages at Whipsnade.’
Attenborough was allegedly heard to say:
‘I’ve no time for these aged rambling monsters from the past, myself but all life is sacred, even those smelly humps, and that editor at BBC Scotland, to embrace the local patois, is just a fucking wee prick.’
Attenborough’s sincerity has however been questioned given the alleged discovery in his bin, by a younger Michael Gove, then a presenter on Channel 4’s ‘A Stab in the Dark’ (1992), that Attenborough had been purchasing pre-packed M&S Parma ham and canned wine!
This move, adjusting its dinosaur preservation target from one to zero, brings BBC Scotland News neatly into line with nearly all public services with headquarters in England.
The Broonasaurus had a fatally limited reach and so could not catch little yessers
The death of the Broonasaurus comes only months after the disappearance from our screens of previous favourite of BBC Scotland reporters, the Murphedactyl. This sharp-beaked, flying dinosaur, had been a regular feature of Reporting Scotland broadcasts including the dramatic moment when scurrying little hot-blooded mammals, yessers, had stolen its eggs and thrown them back at the Murphedactyl as he attempted to launch himself from his favourite Iron Bru crates, breaking one of his wings.
The Murphedactyl prepares to bite
Before this decision by Plantagenet, the first since his appointment by royal decree, BBC Scotland news had been a haven for endangered large dinosaurs such as the Murphedactyl, the Broonasaurus and the lordly but fatally small-mouthed Robertsonasaur.
It’s clear that BBC Scotland has tired of the old dinosaurs’ lumbering and ineffectual interventions in the campaign against the formidable big cats of the SNP. This marks the end of the Cretinaceous period for BBC Scotland News as they move to invest in a safe home for a range of small but sneaky rodent-like mammals, from the Jurassicc period, which they hope can at least nip the tails of the SNP’s big cats.
Well, you’re on form this morning, John – rich Scotto-Saxon comment and all.
I could hear you revving up over here in Edinburgh – Broom…Broom……..! 🙂
Thanks William. This wee espresso machine is making me a beast in the morning but not later in bed i’m told.
Superbus Intellectus Ayrshirus strikes again – Beebus Scottus-Jockus badly mauled.
Maximus sum et pulcherissimus sum (Cassius Clay, 1962)
Most excellent observation, fine Sir!
However, the decline of the Big Beats has been ongoing for some time now. Once, many roamed the studio’s of Plantage.Net, appearing nightly (never shy ) on the precursor to the Jaikie Show (black and white TV then ), from Reid to Liddell et al—– morphing from the chrysalis of blue cloak beggardom to wondrous, plush ermine. There is nothing else in nature to rival it!
Then the last of the Big Beasts. Brooniesaurus, lurking in the undergrowth, stalking a Blair Dragon—he was everymans true hero, come to deliver us all to the sunny uplands of………..? Alas it came to pass that Broonie inherited the crown and proved himself an “empty tin can” ( a teachers curse of yore ) and Broonie has seemed to shrink ever since. No longer the behemoth wearing out the stage, more a Broonie the Hutt, growling incoherently. Will no one give this wretch the Peerage he so desperately wants?
Let him luxuriate harmlessly with his old cronies on the red benches and bullsh!t about what they NEVER did for the *workers*.
But wait…. That would give the BEEB a chance to resurrect this old derelict, as a newly minted LORDLY dinosaur! No! Keep him as he is: a dancing bear, cavorting for his masters, and a media biscuit or kind word!
Good good good Gavin! The Liddelloctodile! Ooooeh those cold reptiiian eyes.