Talking-up Scotland

The Reverend Andrews as he might look today

BBC Scotland’s Disclosure Team can disclose more evidence of extremism in Scotland’s independence movement. Using an advanced Google search, they have found a secret memo from the founder of the Leftist even Marxist Scottish Independence Party (LEMSIP) to at least one current SNP member, launching the party at 13:00 today and then launching his bid for party leadership at 13:01 today. The founder, known as the Reverend Archie ‘The Saint’ Andrews, insists that only 100% support from the two current members, including Mrs Andrews, can confirm his leadership.

If elected, Andrews will stand for election to the Scottish Parliament on a platform of population exchange to provide what he describes as a ’5-year plan’ to win the next Independence referendum.

Controversially, ever-so-slightly, the proposal titled ‘Arseholes for good souls!’ will demand a population exchange scheme, funded by the Home Office, to transfer 1 million stubborn No-voters in return for at least 1 million left-leaning, neighbourly, witty and casually-dressed English folk. Recognising that England may have as many as 10 million such good folk, Andrews is prepared to take up to 2 million as long as we can choose ‘the brightest and best’ and especially those younger, fitter and more willing to look after the elderly. Successful applicants will also have to be willing to live in the more neglected parts of the country and to support one of the smaller struggling football clubs.

Andrews’ full proposal with rationale written by Russian academic, Joseph Stalin Jnr and implementation plan written by Serbian academic Ratko Mladić Jnr, will be available online at some point.

Serious early applicants for either the arsehole or the good soul transfer programme should write to the Reverend via the TuS comments below.