Talking-up Scotland

The long-awaited evaluation report on the usability and safety of the so-called ‘SNP baby box’ was submitted to the Scottish government yesterday and leaked to Talking-up Scotland. Here are the key findings or at least the ones we feel you’d be better off hearing.

The evaluation was carried out by independent researcher Professor John Robertson, retired from the University of the Best of Scotland, for a very reasonable fee.

The report consists of a number of cases studies designed to test the boxes rigorously in a number of challenging situations

1. Herr Schrödinger’s cat

The cat seemed to cope well with a stay of twelve hours in the box, but Herr Schrödinger had been unable to predict the outcome with any confidence when lying on the floor as he could not see into the box from that position. In his best Englisch, Herr Schrödinger said ‘Der Schottlander Nazi Partei Kinderkasten ist wunderbar!’

2. Pandora’s dad, Hephaustus

Instantly recognising the unsuitability of the SNP Baby Box for his fiery blacksmith’s foundry, he gave it to his daughter, Pandora. She used it to contain sickness, death and many other unspecified evils. Being open-topped, the box was a complete failure and should, according to expectant mum Ruth Davidson, interviewed by researchers, carry a warning that it should not be used to store all the evils of the world.

3. English cricketer’s ball-protection-box

Cricketer, Ian Googly-Underhand, reported: ‘It was a bit big even for a wide man-spreader like meself but once well-squeezed-in, it proved effective protection especially against low bouncing balls. However, after a long inning, things got a bit hot down there.’

 

4. Finnish sniper shield

Using the Finnish version of the box, army snipers found that when they hid behind a baby box, they could not be seen by attackers unless they stood up. Attackers were also reluctant to shoot back reporting anxiety that there might be a baby in the box.

Conclusion:

Prof Robertson has reported that this evaluation of the baby box has been inconclusive and that he is available at modest cost to extend the research with, for example, tiny ballet dancers on musical boxes and for firework storage. For ethical reasons, he is unable to test them as cots for babies.