(c) Daily Express, Strathclyde University, BBC, The Krays London, Coindesk
Reliable sources have revealed a dastardly, multi-tentacled conspiracy linking House of Fraser, the Fraser of Allander ‘Institute’, the BBC’s Douglas Fraser, ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser and the brains of the operation, Murdo Fraser.
Spawned in Russia, the Fraser Quadrangle is a cunning scheme, using Russian organised criminals’ drug money, laundered through House of Fraser, to fund attacks on the credibility of the UK. The decision to link all parts of the scheme with the name ‘Fraser’ was the inspired if over-confident idea of Murdo Fraser, born Murderpolisky Stalin, in Georgia. The Fraser of Allander’s role was to come up with arguments against Scottish independence but only those easily open to ridicule by anyone over 16. Douglas Fraser was blackmailed into joining the group and tasked with presenting these arguments at length, parroting Murdo’s tweets, and, on the days before elections or referenda, putting older voters to sleep with his trained voice and gloomy stares to camera.
At first, Tory MP Ross ‘Thumper’ Thompson, was thought to be an obvious party to the scheme but Murdo insisted in his confession: ‘That stupid C***! He’s too thick even for this scheme!’ Murdo’s comments seem a little harsh given that my source also suggests that Ross is, allegedly, maybe, the unwanted lovechild of Murdo and, maybe not, Emma Thompson. Ms Thompson has already said she’ll sue the balls of anybody else saying that.
The exposure of the scheme by my source was triggered by her massive disappointment at the closure of the store, her favourite, and then synchronistically reading quotes by Murdo, Douglas and the ‘Institute’, in quick punishing succession, before joining up the blobs. The store collapsed, of course, because the Russian oligarch charged with running it and extracting cleaned currency had allegedly, maybe, employed ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser as a consultant.
Footnote: I’m short of hard stories and addicted to writing something, anything, so worry not.
Talking-up Scotland 
Hilarious John, loved it.
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Highly amusing John 🙂
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Hilarious , keep being addicted to writing , loved it .
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Is it possible that Fraser Nelson might be part of the same shady network – brilliantly disguising his involvement by reversing the order of his names?
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Damn forgot about him. The way he speaks suggests English is not his first language. Russian accent? What role would he play? Careful!
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I’d like to thank my four blog fans and one Twitter fan. New career?
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A new slant , some light relief from the tedium , keep it coming , but the country needs your good news story more .😁
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Sir, yes sir! I’ll get back onto it immediately. NHS stories do?
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Oh, the exquisite irony of the concept…
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Two people have liked this but I’m not sure which bit was ironic. Wasn’t it more surreal satire or just daft?
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Surreal satire .
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Hi John – Not a fake ‘bot plot’ but a real bit of news was carried on GMS this morning about the Chagos Islands. I was unaware of the International Court of Justice advisory opinion hearing so looked for further info on the beeb site and – believe it or not – found the story covered in some detail. Brilliant to observe these challenges to the continuing Imperial Power of the UK. Appalling to read about Boris Johnson’s attempted blackmail and bullying behaviours. Bit by bit the continuing Imperial UK Project crumbles in the face of action – in this instance from the ICJ and the UN General Assembly playing their parts, together with the effects of brexit: Worth a scan in my view:
The British government has been accused of threatening a close ally in an increasingly bitter diplomatic tug-of-war over the fate of a tiny, strategic archipelago in the middle of the Indian Ocean.
The dispute over the Chagos Islands – home to the US military base on Diego Garcia – is being portrayed by some as an indication of Britain’s waning influence on the world stage following the Brexit vote.
Next week the issue will come before judges at the International Court of Justice (ICJ) in The Hague.
“We have had verbal threats,” said the Prime Minister of Mauritius, Pravind Jugnauth, in an interview with BBC News.
He did not dispute a report that Britain’s former Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson had called him personally to pressure Mauritius to back down on its demand that the islands be returned after decades under UK control.
“Unfortunately, we have been threatened with retaliation… on issues of trade and on issues of investment, you know, and on our relationship with the UK,” Mr Jugnauth added.
Asked about those threats, a spokeswoman for the British Foreign Office declined to respond directly but said “we are disappointed that Mauritius have taken this bilateral dispute to the International Court of Justice for an advisory opinion.
“This is an inappropriate use of the ICJ Advisory Opinion mechanism and sets a dangerous precedent for other bilateral disputes. While we do not recognise the Republic of Mauritius’s claim to sovereignty of the archipelago, we have repeatedly undertaken to cede it to Mauritius when no longer required for defence purposes, and we maintain that commitment.”
It is half a century since the UK took control of the Chagos Islands from its then colony, Mauritius, and evicted the entire population, before inviting the United States to build a military base on Diego Garcia, one of the larger atolls.
Mauritius was in the middle of negotiating its independence from the UK at the time and has repeatedly condemned the deal.
“It was real blackmail,” said Sir Anerood Jugnauth, 88, father of the current prime minister and now the only surviving participant of the negotiations with then-British Prime Minister Harold Wilson.
Mr Jugnauth said Mr Wilson told the Mauritians that “if you don’t agree to what I am proposing [about the Chagos Islands] then forget about independence.”
Last year, the UK suffered a humiliating defeat at the United Nations general assembly when members voted overwhelmingly to send the matter to the ICJ in The Hague.
It was in the run-up to that vote – at which the UK’s traditional European allies, including France and Germany, chose to abstain – that Mr Johnson is alleged to have called the Mauritian prime minister.
“After the Brexit vote, support for the UK collapsed,” said Philippe Sands, the British lawyer who is representing Mauritius.
“Britain has fallen off its pedestal. I think we’re seeing a story here about… the end of empire and the end of colonialism in a small part of Africa in the Indian Ocean, coinciding with a moment when [Britain] seems to be turning inward.”
“Back home was paradise,” said Samynaden Rosemond, 81, who left when he was 36.
“The British didn’t give us a chance. They just said: ‘Oh, this is not yours anymore.’
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Nice one John: Murdo the Dreamer,
“Sitting at his writing table and gazing at “the white mountain” which he dreams of climbing, for to reach the top of the white mountain allegorically means acquiring inspiration and the ability to write.” lain Crichton Smith
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Thanks CJ. I appreciate and value your support. You’ve been active recently.
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thanks for the chortle, John
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