(c) Daily Express, Strathclyde University, BBC, The Krays London, Coindesk
Reliable sources have revealed a dastardly, multi-tentacled conspiracy linking House of Fraser, the Fraser of Allander ‘Institute’, the BBC’s Douglas Fraser, ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser and the brains of the operation, Murdo Fraser.
Spawned in Russia, the Fraser Quadrangle is a cunning scheme, using Russian organised criminals’ drug money, laundered through House of Fraser, to fund attacks on the credibility of the UK. The decision to link all parts of the scheme with the name ‘Fraser’ was the inspired if over-confident idea of Murdo Fraser, born Murderpolisky Stalin, in Georgia. The Fraser of Allander’s role was to come up with arguments against Scottish independence but only those easily open to ridicule by anyone over 16. Douglas Fraser was blackmailed into joining the group and tasked with presenting these arguments at length, parroting Murdo’s tweets, and, on the days before elections or referenda, putting older voters to sleep with his trained voice and gloomy stares to camera.
At first, Tory MP Ross ‘Thumper’ Thompson, was thought to be an obvious party to the scheme but Murdo insisted in his confession: ‘That stupid C***! He’s too thick even for this scheme!’ Murdo’s comments seem a little harsh given that my source also suggests that Ross is, allegedly, maybe, the unwanted lovechild of Murdo and, maybe not, Emma Thompson. Ms Thompson has already said she’ll sue the balls of anybody else saying that.
The exposure of the scheme by my source was triggered by her massive disappointment at the closure of the store, her favourite, and then synchronistically reading quotes by Murdo, Douglas and the ‘Institute’, in quick punishing succession, before joining up the blobs. The store collapsed, of course, because the Russian oligarch charged with running it and extracting cleaned currency had allegedly, maybe, employed ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser as a consultant.
Footnote: I’m short of hard stories and addicted to writing something, anything, so worry not.