Talking-up Scotland

 

Scottish Conservative chief whip Maurice ‘Handshake’ Golden has criticised NHS Scotland’s use of private security companies. Several of his colleagues have gone home with headaches and general dizziness. Speaking also in his role as Scotsman and/or Herald Transport Correspondent, he said:

‘The SNP never stops talking about how it despises the use of private companies when it comes to our NHS. Yet here we see, under its watch, spiralling costs when it comes to private security firms. From the party that warned a No vote in 2014 would lead to the collapse of the NHS in Scotland because of privatisation, this is quite the hypocrisy. It’s another example of the SNP saying one thing to please its supporters but doing quite another in government.’

Golden was unable to provide a list of statements proving that the SNP ‘never stop talking about the use of private companies’ or to prove that the costs were ‘spiralling.’ At FM Questions, the FM is expected to make much of his ‘quite the hypocrisy’ statement.

Asked if he had used BBC Editorial Guidelines in his decision to add up the percentage increases, over five years, to get a big headline, he allegedly said: ‘BBC!? Bloody Broadcasting Commies!!’ 

When asked for the full figures, to see if there had actually been any significant growth in the trend, the Scotsman’s Unionist Support Officer, Wilhelmina Orangery, said she had misplaced them and sniggered that she would get back to us.

On the ‘bright’ side, working-class Conservative MSP, Ann ‘Eh’ Thingy, suffered a bit of a ‘moment’, listening to the Chief Whip. She naturally took his comments to mean that she should approach Richard Leonard with the offer of some kind of coming together to fight those SNP capitalist lackeys. However, Anne may now be leaving the Conservatives altogether after some vicious bullying by those scary posh ladies who sit behind her and sneer when she speaks.

Even better, just out of the Bar L, Billy ‘Fingers’ Thomson III, has offered to advise NHS Scotland on setting up a national security union and taxi business, funded by health boards. Thomson has no cars or staff and has never run a security company before but has been advised by a Tory grandee that this should not be a barrier. A former car salesman and now Tory MSP is allegedly furious that he has not been given a consultancy.