‘Do I have to say this? I feel sick. Does my smile not look a bit sickly?’
Up early today? 06:26 am and still a bit fragile? Good. Here we go after a nice wee ‘Hallo’ and ‘Good Morning’:
- Figures obtained by the BBC (no, really?) suggest about 8% of meat tested in Scotland last year was found to contain the DNA of animals not listed on the labelling – illegal, kebabs, pizza toppings! DNA? Nooo!! Ham instead of chicken! E.coli? No? BSE? Salmonella? Scrapie? Thrichinosis (from pork)? None of these just ham instead of chicken? OK. Should we have a hard border?
- A charity (you can always trust charities) is warning that Scotland is facing a child mental health crisis! The Mental Health Foundation is calling for greater awareness in schools. Could the increase in coming forward and reporting be a good thing, a sign of a more aware, open and tolerant society? No, doesn’t fit this morning’s horror theme? When he says depression IS on the rise and anxiety IS on the rise, should he have said reporting is on the rise? I see actual suicide rates are falling quite fast in Scotland. Is that evidence of anything? No? Even if depression and anxiety are actually on the rise, might schools be helpless in changing things in the context of more likely causes such as Westminster’s austerity policies, Ruth’s Holyrood interventions or even your reporting?
- The RMT union is refusing to work extra hours! Maybe it will stop BBC Scotland staff getting to work? Look on the bright side.
- Had enough? Just one more. A new system to enable students to report gender-based violence – Zero tolerance! Abuse! Sexual harassment! Stalking!
- There now you feel depressed and anxious again. That’s good. Feel like constitutional change? No, just want to curl up? OK we’ll finish with a nice wee story about birds and then the weather. It’ll be quite nice. You can go for a wee walk and do some mindfulness. There you go. Byeeeee.
Remember, a thousand stories were out there. They chose these ones!
Don’t travel. Don’t eat anything. Don’t think anything. Don’t speak to members of the other sex. You’ll be a bit down but safe.